"Dental Phobias Maximus"

I don't know about the rest of you, but I don't know a single person who actually likes going to the dentist. Most of us dread the idea of going to that place where other grown folks stick their grubby latex-glove-covered fingers in your mouth, along with those instruments of torture, which they deviously call 'professional dental supplies'. But I don't think anyone could possibly have worse DENTAL PHOBIAS MAXIMUS than my hubby. And we're not talking about your average run-of-the-mill nervous anxiety here. We're talking about a man who at one time broke a dentist chair during a routine dental exam because he was gripping the arm-rest so hard, and who has in the past needed complete I.V. sedation before having a teeth-cleaning done. Yes, it is just that serious.

We are talking about a man who sweats, hyperventilates, and starts sliding down the chair to try escape the fingers attempting to gain access to his teeth. Thankfully, the dental practice's slogan is this: "WE CATER TO COWARDS." And boy am I glad they do! Hubby had to undergo a series of procedures to repair a wicked root canal, and each time he was put under heavy I.V. sedation. Now, that may not sound like too a big a deal for some folks, but you just have to trust me when I say that the drama surrounding my man's dental visits is quite unprecedented. Of course he's not the first person to have to undergo sedation for serious procedures like that, but I don't know many who have to undergo I.V. sedation for routine cleanings. The slightly more comedic portion of this saga usually occurs AFTER the appointment, when he's brought back into consciousness...well, I don't know that you can really call it being conscious since he's still so out of it. When they're done torturing working on him they wheel him out in a wheelchair, and my poor man has the most angry look on his face, he's drooling onto his shirt, and he can't speak. There's grunting noises, droopy head nods, and of course, trying to get up out of the wheelchair and escape wander off. Oh, and did I mention that while driving home on the freeway, my still-stoned-out-of-his-mind hubby tried to open the front passenger door as I was flying down I-695 going close to 70mph?! After telling this story to my friend Lu, who also happens to be the dental tech who HAS to be on duty for each of Fred's appointment, she always makes sure I have engaged the child-safety locks on the doors before we dump gently place Fred into the backseat of my car. Then there's the getting him in the house, which I do try to accomplish as quickly as possible since hubby starts trying to shed his clothes BEFORE he gets inside...he's usually shirtless by the time we reach the front porch.

Fast forward to today: FD-Day {Fred's Dentist Day}...

This time around, Dr. Dentist recommended trying an alternative to the I.V. sedation, since the last time hubby was put under he vomited, which is NOT good. So, he recommended the oral sedation method, which consisted of hubby taking a cocktail of what I like to refer to as HAPPY PILLS. He took two valium pills the night before, then two triazolam one hour prior to his appointment. Let's just say that by the time Lu took him back to the torture chamber exam room, he was nice and relaxed.

An already sleepy Fred, waiting in the lobby for his turn...

And apparently, when they took him back there, they gave him another dose of crushed up HAPPY PILLS under his tongue, plus they have him some HAPPY GAS. After all that, he drifted off to la-la land, and Dr. Dentist and Lu were able clean his pearly whites. Yay!

When they finished, Lu came and brought me back to the exam room, where I found my hubby to be awake, and seemingly coherent. Little did I know that my man was in a weird state of semi-consciousness, where he could speak and answer questions and carry on a conversation, but would later have absolutely NO recollection of it hours later. More on that in a minute...so, with Lu's help, we got hubby wheeled out of there...

...and into the car.

Oh, my poor poor man! On the way home he said he was absolutely starving, and basically whined for a Burger King cheeseburger and a Coke...event though it was only 10am. Being the pushover sweet wife that I am, we picked up some food and went home.

This time around hubby didn't do a strip show on the front lawn, although he did almost face-plant in the snow when he almost missed the curb. {My cat-like reflexes saved him.} With the help of my trusty sidekick (and oh-so-sweet son), we got hubby inside, where he did actually do a face plant...onto the loveseat. I managed to un-shoe and un-coat him, sat him down at the table, and the three of us had lunch together. Now people, have you ever watched a seriously drunk person eat? Well that's what hubby looked like as he slowly but surely consumed his cheeseburger, then worked on his fries. That, my friends, was hilarious to watch as he would pick each fry and try to put it in his mouth...and kept missing! I know you might say I'm mean for doing it, but I couldn't help myself, and I just had to video tape him while he ate. All I can say is that if I was REALLY wicked, I would post that video here. But as such, I do have some scruples, so all you folks get are pics. {sorry!}

After the comedy show lunch, I finally got hubby into bed, where he slept for a little over six hours. He eventually woke up, wiped the sleep from his eyes, and like a newborn giraffe, he wobbled downstairs to join the rest of the conscious world. And here's the kicker my lovlies:

HE. DOESN'T. REMEMBER. ANY OF IT!!

Nope. None of it. According to him, the last thing he remembers was being led back to the exam room. Everything else was apparently a drug-induced void. Thank goodness I have the photos and video so my man can actually SEE just how HILARIOUS his dentist appointments are. After all is said and done, when hubby was completely coherent and fully conscious, I got to put the cherry on top of this particular day by telling him that: HE HAS TO GO BACK TO THE DENTIST IN A FEW WEEKS TO GET A CROWN PUT ON A PROBLEM TOOTH!

Dentist office copay: $0
Burger King Lunch: $15
Look on hubby's face when I told him about his next FD-Day dentist appointment: PRICELESS!

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4 blissful whispers...:

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

Glad that when it was all over, he didn't remember a thing. Seems like that may be a good solution to his dental anxiety.

parentingBYdummies said...

And I thought mine was bad! At least he only cries like a baby and calls up to cancel the appointments I make him behind my back. Let's hope he wasn't blocking it out because now he may not be able to remember it, but he can read all about it anytime he wants to recall his horror! The sweet things we do for our undeserving spouses:). Happy Saturday Sharefest from SITS!

Gabrielle said...

Wow, what a great story! Love it!

wind in the wildwood said...

Oh my gosh, that is so funny. I was put under I.V. sedation once for a root canal. It's not that I have a fear of dentists, but I had a bad root canal done before by the same dentist (btw I now have a very gentle and very good dentist). The thing was I could remember everything plus more. I had what people call an out of body experience. I really do mean I was somewhere else and I was able to prove it. That was really great but too trippy, kind of scary actually, I will never do it again. Anyway... I wish we could have seen the video. Hoping you guys are well. Love ya. Anna